heavy hearted

I'm heavy hearted and frustrated again.  I've typed and erased and typed and erased trying to descramble my head to get this out for myself.  I don't want to feel this way again about our friendship.  I hate the instability of our friendship. 

Any way I presented my trip would not have been accepted/appreciated by you.  A month ago I tested the water to see if you were available without giving anything away in case I was still only in the dream stage.  You had a trip already planned very close to it, I was happy for you, but maybe then I should have expressed some sadness that the timing wasn't going to work for my trip.

I'm frustrated that you got hurt because I didn't invite you.  I knew you couldn't make it. It started out as a possible trip for Lisa and me, I booked my ticket told Angela I did, she saw the price and that same day Angela booked her ticket then Claire showed an interest and asked to join. All in a few hours  It did not start as a "girls trip".  

I do see your point that the invite is the gesture that counts.  I just kept thinking you had other plans. That is why you weren't invited. It was never meant to be hurtful and that frustrates me that you feel that way.  

What should have been an exciting day for me.. booking my ticket turned sour and I worried once again how to rebuild the however many steps I fell down the hill of our friendship.